I just deleted all my old posts. It was a wonderful feeling. Although, I have to wonder if they are still floating around somewhere in a cyberspace trashcan- like old mail- dirty and crumpled, but there all the same, for someone to dig through. Yuck!
When I was 32, I weighed about 115 pounds.
When I was 42, I weighed 122.
Now that I'm 52, I weigh 132 and despite 2 years worth of on and off effort, I haven't been able to make a permanent dent in that.
That's almost 10 pounds a decade- which I understand is typical- average- not something I've ever aspired to. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I feel my excess weight like a vile slithery thing that has slunk in, in the dead of the night, and attached itself like a parasite, encroaching on my space and my agility, and my health, and my waistline and if I let it stay, I just KNOW it will bring friends. I'm just not comfortable with the thickness around my middle and no matter how my 'weight' compares to societies norms or expectations, it feels too thick to me.
I've blogged pretty steady about this since December. I set out to lose fat and gain muscle 4 months ago, with the thought that I would reach my objective in 100 days. Not so. The least I've weighed in the past four months was 127. And it's gone up and down several times. Admittedly, I haven't been trying the past few weeks, just living.
May is just around the corner. My daughter wants me to run a marathon with her in September. I started running and doing the gym again eight days ago on a hit and miss basis. The lactate acid or whatever it is that builds up in muscles when they are excercised really feels like -- well, acid. And they hurt, alot. I used to like that feeling. I have to talk myself into excercising now. And it takes a lot of talking. And it's not the same as exercising was for me in my 40's. I need to get over that. It's a mental thing. I keep telling myself I'm 52 now. What do I think I'm doing? Maybe that's the problem. In my mind, 52 is old. And I feel old when I run, sometimes. But sometimes I have a deju vu young feeling. I need to focus on the mental aspect of exercise and get over it.
If a mindset of 52 feels too old, I could just relive my 40's couldn't I? I mean, who's to stop me? I can just tell my self every morning now and for the rest of my life that I am 42. If life is a journey we should be able to get off at whichever stop we want. Well, I'm going back to my 40's- my body felt like a 20 year old back then. 40's were good to me.
I think I want to have 42 tattooed on my forehead, just to remind myself.